Your relationship with yourself.....

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? What emotions come up?

I have heard this said so many times. "As within.....so without." What does this saying mean to you? This saying has been used in many spiritual practices. It is a deep study of your own inner world. How do you perceive yourself? How do you treat yourself? Let me explain this to you gently and clearly. How you treat yourself and the labels that you use to describe yourself have a profound effect on your physical, mental, and emotional body.

In the physical world, I chose the image of a mirrored human, to help explain this process. When you look in the mirror what do you see? Being in the present moment, when you clear your mind, what do you see? Do you like what you see? Notice the emotions on your face, as you are gazing at yourself. The micro expressions?

Studies have shown that your physical health can be impacted by your mental health. Well, I am here to say that how you perceive your physical body, IS that mental effect on your physical health.

There have been a few times in my life, when I didn't like that person in the mirror.

After Two brain surgeries, radiation, overwhelm at work, moving houses, combined with the fear of Covid pandemic........I was burnt out. My cup was empty. I was in so much pain that an eight-hour shift was all I had in me to give, and most days I didn't even have that. I hold space for those who have had to face illness. I hold space for those that have been care takers of those with chronic illness. I was prescribed pain meds, anti-seizure meds, high doses of corticosteroids (Hashimoto's symptoms), anti-anxiety meds, and physical therapy. I had radiating pain in my head that would not stop, mostly from the nerve damage that resulted from the second surgery. Loud crickets and other weird noises in my head which I later learned was called tinnitus. I developed some form of striking pain that shot across my face every time I heard a noise that wasn't even loud to anyone else. If anything touched my face I would have striking pains this is called Trigeminal Neuralgia. I felt lost and alone. The physical therapy they prescribed was a treatment where I would lay on a table and they would attach electrodes to my temples. I believe it was called TENS, which stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation a treatment for TMJ. I can honestly say it did not help my illnesses at that point. After I left each treatment, I could barely function other than drive home and go to bed. I was cross eyed and had severe double vision. Loss of vision in my left eye. My balance was off, something with vertigo. I often felt as though I was tipping over, when my body wasn't even moving.

To be clear I am not in any way saying that my medical care team did not do or prescribe what they thought was best for my health situation. I much appreciate the many kind doctors, nurses, and physical therapists that took care of me in that time. I have immense gratitude for my husband, my family, and my friends. They didn't give up on me, even though none of them could possibly recognize the person that I had become.

During that period of struggle, I decided to try to get on support group sites. Thinking that it would at least help to know that I wasn't alone. Maybe find a friend? It took allot of digging and searching but I found one for hyperacusis. Hyperacusis, is when sounds are perceived as loud to the point of painful even at low volumes. Examples could be clanking dishes in the dishwasher, the passing of a motorcycle, even a tv on a volume above 12 was too much. In my case, it meant if I heard any loud noises my migraines would take over my life. The support group chats were full of suffering people, searching and hoping for the next medical study. These people were not making it out of this illness, at least most of them weren't. In these cases, the physical isolation created from their pain, put them in such a depression that their mental health suffered greatly. Parents speaking to each other about the tremendous guilt they felt for isolating from their families that needed them. To say the least it was very sad. The people on the support group were kind and compassionate individuals. They were struggling to hold on to any hope they could find that someday, the medical community would create a cure.

I am telling you this, because I want you to understand that if you are in pain, not only are you not alone, but there is hope. Whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. Pain does exist even when it isn't able to be seen by the human eye. To my Fibromyalgia friends out there, your pain is real. My neuralgia friends out there, you do not need to suffer alone. My Type 1 diabetes friends out there, my heart goes out to you. The list goes on.... physical pain is not fun!!

What does any of this have to do with your relations ship with yourself?

One day I was sitting with my Aunt, who had survived breast cancer, and I asked her, "How did you do it? How did you heal through the pain?"

She said, "I meditated."

I asked her to meditate with me, to teach me how.

We sat together and she told me to keep asking myself, "Who am I?" Told me how to regulate my breathing. So then began my journey out of darkness and into knowing myself.

More importantly, then began my journey of understanding myself.

Below is an example of how I viewed myself in the mirror. Viewer discretion advised. This is not a good way to view yourself.

I started listing off who I thought I was. In societies terms I thought I was not acceptable. I thought I wasn't pretty, heck it was hard to even make myself take a shower. The water on my face even hurt. I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care about my diet, I didn't exercise, I didn't do anything that I enjoyed. I thought I had let my family down. I thought I had neglected my duties as a wife, a mother, a family member. The pain became me. I would push myself so hard just to get a simple task done like laundry and then get angry at myself because it had been a year and I still was experiencing severe fatigue. I was disappointed in myself because in the physical state I was in, I couldn't perform the crazy work hours, cleaning schedules, my children's sports schedules, and our ever growing social schedules. I was mad at myself because, football games that once were filled with joy watching my son's play, became nothing short of torture even with ear plugs. My family couldn't understand that I just physically couldn't do 99% of the fun stuff that I used to love to do with them. I was struggling at work. The work meetings were impossible. I couldn't process information with more than one person at a time. I saw in the mirror a failure, I saw someone who was in so much pain that my shear presence was a burden in any social gathering. I saw someone that I didn't like much less love. I had started hating myself.

What I came to understand though was that I had to create my new normal. Not live up to that person who I had been before my illnesses. I actually understood that I didn't have to live up to anyone's expectations but my own.

What do you remember thinking when you looked in the mirror as a child?

Reflecting on different parts of my life I realized I hadn't always felt these things about my body or my persona? Use that comparison with yourself now vs how you saw yourself then. What are the differences? What emotions that you have about yourself are the same?

This much I know.

The perceptions that I had of myself were holding me back from healing. Instead of giving myself grace and appreciating that I was still here on this earth, all I could feel was pain, disappointment, and sadness. I had thought the pain had taken my will to live.

I looked around me, I loved all of these people in my life. What was I contributing to their life?

This had to change something had to give. I could not give up. Hurting myself was one thing, hurting the people I loved.... not an option.

My son told me one day about a football player that was injured during a game and paralyzed as a result of that injury. I can't remember the name of the player. The story was that the person imagined in his mind his nerves regenerating and healing until it happened. (I am sure there was allot of physical therapy as well.) I started looking at other options for therapy. I started reading books about healing yourself. I started looking with in. What was my body telling me that I needed?

Somewhere in that search came the idea that you should love yourself. What??? I was taught that in order to be a good person you should be self-sacrificing; you should care about others' needs before your own. This sounded horribly wrong. I in fact had to that point never heard of loving yourself. Sad... I know.

I looked in the mirror again. I looked in my eyes, I said out loud. "Hey you, you are one tough lady, you've been through so much. If you have so much love for everyone else, why can't you just love yourself too? Not more nor less just can you try too at least like yourself?"

I sat there a while with tears in my eyes, and I realized this body that I was so mean to is one of the only reasons that I have been here on earth to begin with. Millions of cells probably billions working together to stay alive. Every smile, every kiss, every starry night. Every first and every last. Who has been there with me all along? My body. Looking at myself from the outside through the mirror, I finally found that love I was searching for.

I continued meditating, watching you tube channels, podcasts, reading books, and taking classes. I couldn't get enough. I had found my joy again. I love to learn. The more I learned, the more I understood myself. Gotta hand it to those youtube content creators. You are changing lives, and your voices do matter.

The point is. While there are so many uncontrollable variables in life. You get to choose how you see yourself. Self-love is not selfish, it is necessary. Filling up your cup allows you to be a better presence to those around you. When you are happy you share that happiness with the world. When you share that happiness with the world, it becomes a better place. Give yourself grace. Give yourself space to be your authentic self. Do not apologize for existing. Give yourself a hug. Tell your body thank you. Your body is not your enemy your perception of yourself is what could be holding you back.

Never give up.

Warm wishes, and much thanks! Let the healing begin! :)

___Christine